Newlywed Thoughts

I get asked a lot if being married is different.  Personally, I don't feel much different than when I began dating my now husband.  Perhaps the fact that we have lived together for a little over two years has something to do with it.  There was no real transition; we didn't buy a house, we didn't have a child, and we didn't move to a new city.  The only "transition" that occurred was that we held a wedding to celebrate our passing over the dating/engaged line to being married.  No more boyfriend, girlfriend.  No more fiancé(e).  Just husband and wife.  Although there was only a simple stirring of words, I would not have it any other way.

Even if our marriage doesn't feel any different than dating, my heart feels the forever that I've committed to.  I look at my husband and feel so at peace knowing that I can count on him, not for just today or for a week from now, but for forever.  He has verbalized to me several times that he will always be there for me and will always protect me.  That puts me at such peace and harmony.

It's a fantastic feeling to have your heart at peace.  I feel most at peace when I'm around my husband, when I go to church and worship God, and when I have moments of silence when I reflect on where I've come from and where I am now.  These moments where my heart and my mind sing in accord are the best moments of my life.  These moments allow me to exude my utmost confidence, and this is how I believe every woman should feel.  To me, marriage is a confidence booster, and I am loving every second of it.

Although marriage makes me feel good, I don't plan to get comfortable with that.  Too often, marriages fail due to lack of excitement and lack of change.  I may have found my soulmate, but I can't live life laid back in a recliner and just watching it all pass by.  A good friend of mine from college and I always had this running joke that we would be "hot" wives.  We would never "let ourselves go."  Laziness is not allowed.  We have to go go go and just...don't...stop.  I have my lazy days, but I often think of this promise I've made and I just can't allow myself to sit still.  Constantly moving and having something to do is way more exciting than sitting still anyways.

I have never been happier or more confident in my life.  Being married may not be so different than dating or being engaged, but the fact that I get to spend every waking moment with my soulmate is more than what I need for a happy and blessed life.

Quality Time

I love the friends and family that surround me in life, but something has weighed heavily on my heart and has left me empty these past few days.  I keep telling myself in my head that I'm thinking too much and that I am just beating myself up when I don't have to (which is normal for me), but this is something that has intrigued me to write.

Mother's Day was yesterday.  My annual tradition on Mother's Day is to think about all the women in my family that have affected me and have molded me into the woman that I am.  I think about my mother, my grandmothers, my great-grandmothers, aunts, cousins, and so forth.  While some of these women in my family may not be mothers to biological children, they have all been mother figures for me.

My mind then wanders and thinks about how I wish I lived closer to family so that these wonderful mothers in my life could circle me and continue to positively affect me every day.  Yes, I am able to communicate by text, phone, email, and Facebook, but that doesn't fulfill me the way a one-on-one conversation does.  After reading "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman, I've learned that I'm a quality time type woman.  There is nothing more satisfying and rewarding than spending quality time with someone.  To me, one-on-one conversations open hearts' portals and allow the souls to spill out, little by little, creating meaningful and productive conversations, which lead to more developed relationships.

Connecting the dots, my mind wanders again and evaluates the current quality time relationships I have in my life.  My stomach immediately sinks after I realize...not as many as I would like.  I suddenly feel empty and start evaluating myself and my actions.  Should I make more of an effort?  Do I come off as closed off and maybe a little shy?  Am I not a desirable person to spend quality time with?  After repeating these questions in my head over and over again, I have to snap myself out of it and tell myself, "You are blessed.  Relationships like this take time."

And it's true.  My closest friends in life are the ones I have been friends with for eight or more years.  Our close relationships didn't happen overnight.  Our friendships are products of years and years of quality time with each other.

Perhaps instant gratification rules over my thoughts when it comes to this topic.  Perhaps I've grown impatient over the years and want close friendships around every corner I turn.  But surely, that's asking for too much.  There are a lot of statistics that show that in the U.S., the average person (whatever that means) has only one to two close friends that they wouldn't hesitate telling everything.  One to two people in their lives that they can call at any second of any day and he/she would answer with no hesitation, ready to take on whatever.  I long for a lot of people like that in my life.

Why?  I like to know the whys, hows, and whats of each person I meet.  I don't see people as what they are on the outside, but rather as the stories they tell, and how they came to this point in their lives.  I truly do care about people and want to develop meaningful relationships.  I want to have those people I can count on at any time of any day.  Who doesn't?

Although my mom and I communicate through using American Sign Language, I have always found it difficult to discuss things with her, especially in depth.  We communicated through my childhood, teenage years, and today, but the conversations were difficult to maintain.  For that reason alone, I feel that I've always had a longing for more female friendships in my life.  I have always been able to communicate with the other female members in my family, but there is something about having a female friend that is just...different.

I'm SURROUNDED by females that I love and would do anything for!  I am honestly truly blessed to be encircled by these lovely ladies.  However, although I am swimming in friendships, I still have an emptiness and long for more deep, meaningful, quality time relationships.  I have to remind myself daily that, just like love, it takes time.

I also have to remind myself that it is not easy for us ladies to pour our hearts out all in one sitting.  We go through a process.  We take baby steps to reveal our true, inner selves.  We've been hurt, stomped on, deceived, and promised the world with no fulfillment.  We've experienced our share of disappointments and always listen to our intuition, which is almost always right.  We're delicate, careful creatures.  It's no wonder we tip-toe into friendships and relationships.

I always envision the end result, which is probably why I'm so anxious to develop these tight relationships right now.  I've always known that having a very close group of girlfriends will help me love myself even more.  When you have a steel strong support system around you, you simply do not worry too much about what could happen.  You know that you'll have people by your side no matter what.

Although I am generally shy, I've promised myself to make more of an effort to spend more quality time with those that I care for and love.  I've promised myself to continue developing the close relationships I already have and to dig deeper into the friendships that I want to flourish.  I've promised myself to ask more questions to produce more conversation.  I've promised myself to be 100% honest in everything I say and do.  I will continue to live with integrity and show my reliability.  I have promised myself that I will be the friend that I've always longed for in my life.  I will be the one to change the dynamic of a relationship from a "Hey, how are you?" relationship to a "What, why, how?" relationship.

Let Your Guard Down

I've lost myself.  I've lost myself in love.  I've sailed past uneasiness in my stomach, past my pounding head of racing thoughts, and past knotted nerves.  I've fallen into a whirlpool of amour and am letting myself go.  My hair is blowing in the wind, my shoulders have fallen back, and words don't need to escape my mouth to explain what I'm feeling.  My eyes have been glowing fire for almost two years, and my brain has finally received the message from my happiness that this is what people long for their entire lives.  This is good.

I look at the man napping on the couch and all I can think is, "Wow."  This is someone I was apprehensive about when we first met.  I let my assumptions fool me and I kept my distance.  My guard was up, but fortunately, my mind was open.  I gave it a chance.  I opened the gates to my heart and my judgment followed behind.  And now I look down at the ring on my finger and punch my false presumptions repeatedly, because quite frankly, they deserve it.

A lot of people (I'm not insinuating all) that long for love have been in bad relationships.  They've been stabbed in the heart and they don't want to experience that repeated pain.  They don't want to go through the cycle of a relationship over and over again, knowing that there is a chance that it won't work out and that they would have to start back at square one.  Sometimes, the effort alone is just too much.  Although they want to find love again and want to pursue a relationship, the fact that they would have to continue the search and pour out their hearts over and over again is simply unattractive.  It can also be exhausting.  As a result, these people hurl themselves into the dark.  Their assumptions become their instincts and their guards are held so high that not even an airplane could break them down.

I understand the reasoning for being closed off and cautious when looking for love or when being presented with an opportunity for love.  I have been at that stage before.  However, how much more do you think we could learn if we let our guards down even just a little?  What if we kept one valve of our hearts open, knowing that we would have to contain the strength to gain our selves back if a relationship didn't work out?  I let my guards down a little with my fiance and here we are, about to get married.  I was so apprehensive about him and so hesitant to see what he was all about.  However, something happened when I gave myself a chance to better know him.  My walls came down and the love flooded in.

I'm not saying that you should freely let yourself go.  I'm not saying that you shouldn't be cautious.  You should be.  However, there is a way to be strong and confident in yourself and a free and open book at the same time.  I don't know how many times I have reiterated this, but you need to fully understand and love yourself in order to do this.  If a relationship does not work out with someone, how are you going to bounce back and move forward?  Sure, you'll have friends and family to support you, but ultimately, if you don't have the strength to learn from relationships that didn't work out and advance to the next step, the support that your friends and family give you will do hardly anything.

It's scary to gear down and let your heart roam free, but isn't life the same way?  Shouldn't we be accustomed to facing our fears head on?  We're not opening our hearts to heights or cockroaches, but rather to the possibility of love, which is what every human being on this planet longs for.  If our reward for opening our hearts and letting our guards down is endless care and pure devotion to one another, then what fear should we have?  Love is exceptional and gratifying.  Everyone deserves that.