I love the friends and family that surround me in life, but something has weighed heavily on my heart and has left me empty these past few days. I keep telling myself in my head that I'm thinking too much and that I am just beating myself up when I don't have to (which is normal for me), but this is something that has intrigued me to write.
Mother's Day was yesterday. My annual tradition on Mother's Day is to think about all the women in my family that have affected me and have molded me into the woman that I am. I think about my mother, my grandmothers, my great-grandmothers, aunts, cousins, and so forth. While some of these women in my family may not be mothers to biological children, they have all been mother figures for me.
My mind then wanders and thinks about how I wish I lived closer to family so that these wonderful mothers in my life could circle me and continue to positively affect me every day. Yes, I am able to communicate by text, phone, email, and Facebook, but that doesn't fulfill me the way a one-on-one conversation does. After reading "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman, I've learned that I'm a quality time type woman. There is nothing more satisfying and rewarding than spending quality time with someone. To me, one-on-one conversations open hearts' portals and allow the souls to spill out, little by little, creating meaningful and productive conversations, which lead to more developed relationships.
Connecting the dots, my mind wanders again and evaluates the current quality time relationships I have in my life. My stomach immediately sinks after I realize...not as many as I would like. I suddenly feel empty and start evaluating myself and my actions. Should I make more of an effort? Do I come off as closed off and maybe a little shy? Am I not a desirable person to spend quality time with? After repeating these questions in my head over and over again, I have to snap myself out of it and tell myself, "You are blessed. Relationships like this take time."
And it's true. My closest friends in life are the ones I have been friends with for eight or more years. Our close relationships didn't happen overnight. Our friendships are products of years and years of quality time with each other.
Perhaps instant gratification rules over my thoughts when it comes to this topic. Perhaps I've grown impatient over the years and want close friendships around every corner I turn. But surely, that's asking for too much. There are a lot of statistics that show that in the U.S., the average person (whatever that means) has only one to two close friends that they wouldn't hesitate telling everything. One to two people in their lives that they can call at any second of any day and he/she would answer with no hesitation, ready to take on whatever. I long for a lot of people like that in my life.
Why? I like to know the whys, hows, and whats of each person I meet. I don't see people as what they are on the outside, but rather as the stories they tell, and how they came to this point in their lives. I truly do care about people and want to develop meaningful relationships. I want to have those people I can count on at any time of any day. Who doesn't?
Although my mom and I communicate through using American Sign Language, I have always found it difficult to discuss things with her, especially in depth. We communicated through my childhood, teenage years, and today, but the conversations were difficult to maintain. For that reason alone, I feel that I've always had a longing for more female friendships in my life. I have always been able to communicate with the other female members in my family, but there is something about having a female friend that is just...different.
I'm SURROUNDED by females that I love and would do anything for! I am honestly truly blessed to be encircled by these lovely ladies. However, although I am swimming in friendships, I still have an emptiness and long for more deep, meaningful, quality time relationships. I have to remind myself daily that, just like love, it takes time.
I also have to remind myself that it is not easy for us ladies to pour our hearts out all in one sitting. We go through a process. We take baby steps to reveal our true, inner selves. We've been hurt, stomped on, deceived, and promised the world with no fulfillment. We've experienced our share of disappointments and always listen to our intuition, which is almost always right. We're delicate, careful creatures. It's no wonder we tip-toe into friendships and relationships.
I always envision the end result, which is probably why I'm so anxious to develop these tight relationships right now. I've always known that having a very close group of girlfriends will help me love myself even more. When you have a steel strong support system around you, you simply do not worry too much about what could happen. You know that you'll have people by your side no matter what.
Although I am generally shy, I've promised myself to make more of an effort to spend more quality time with those that I care for and love. I've promised myself to continue developing the close relationships I already have and to dig deeper into the friendships that I want to flourish. I've promised myself to ask more questions to produce more conversation. I've promised myself to be 100% honest in everything I say and do. I will continue to live with integrity and show my reliability. I have promised myself that I will be the friend that I've always longed for in my life. I will be the one to change the dynamic of a relationship from a "Hey, how are you?" relationship to a "What, why, how?" relationship.
