Accept Me For Who I Am

I'm not sure if this post is entirely related to love, but I have such a large lump sitting in my throat right now just thinking about the fact that I am choosing to post this.  I've really thought about this... I've thought about it long and hard, and I've decided that it is best to be honest with myself and to be honest with everyone.  I almost want to cry as I think about how I'm going to say this, but, I don't know, there is just something inside telling me that I must do this.  A lot of the times, I choose to steer away from this voice and make a different decision, but this one... it just seems like I should listen to the voice.  For all of you - I must be real with you.  I must reveal to you who I really am.  I know that some of you may stray away from me.  For others, I think you'll stick around.  However, in order to relieve my mind and work on my honesty, I must tell you.

As many of you may know, I have recently ended a three year relationship with someone that I thought was the love of my life.  As every relationship is, there were ups and downs, but I was happy.  This person really did make me happy.  But then... there were some points in this relationship when I wasn't happy.  My feelings were different and something was just off.  As quiet as I am, I didn't necessarily tell anyone.  I didn't even want to stay true to myself and believe that something was wrong.  I just lived life accordingly... and made some huge mistakes.

No one wants to do bad things in his or her life.  No one intentionally says, "Oh, today, I'm going to make the worst possible grade I can on this test," or "I think I want to do horribly in the game next weekend."  I have come to the general conclusion that all human beings have a natural intention to do good in their lives - to try their best.  At times, all humans make mistakes, but that does not necessarily mean that they made those mistakes because they wanted to do something bad or wrong.  I have to tell all of you, I must... those mistakes I've made in my previous relationship... I have cheated.  More than once.  I can't lie.  I must be honest.

I had no intentions at all of hurting my boyfriend.  Each time that it occurred, my feelings were different.  I was emotionally vulnerable and other factors played in that didn't help out so much.  Every single day of my life, I ask myself, "Why?"  Other people ask me that too.  "Why?"  I don't know why.  Really, I could blame it on the fact that my emotions were haywire and I was just stupid at the time, but I must take responsibility for the actions that I have done.  I can't run away from them (and trust me, I've seriously considered doing that).  I have to recognize that I made a completely controllable mistake, and now I am suffering the "consequences."  I don't really believe I'm suffering so much anymore, because now I am more at a peace of mind, but those particular decisions that I have made have led me to where I am now.  The place I'm at now is not a bad place, but the pure fact that I feel ridiculously awful for what I've done and see the emotional pain and hurt I've caused a number of people because of these actions just puts me a little bit at edge.  I can't reverse time and change what I've done.  I just have to learn, live, and move on.

I need to clarify that my ex did nothing wrong.  This decision was solely my decision and nothing more...  So, if my ex did nothing wrong, then why in the hell would I do this?  I still don't know.  My mind is currently playing tug-of-war with itself...

I suppose the worst part of this situation is that my ex did not find out through me directly, and he did not find out right after it happened.  He found out by seeing my diary.  Why didn't I tell him earlier?  It's because I didn't want to lose him.  I was comfortable, happy, enjoying life, and I didn't want to lose him.  I was deeply in love and did not want that special feeling to be destroyed.  But... look at me now.  I don't talk to him anymore, and honestly, it pains me.  I am honestly over the relationship and what happened, but the fact that I spent about three years on this and don't even have a friendship with this guy really, really pains me.  It all takes time, it's true, but time can really tear you apart...

Once a cheater, always a cheater?  I really don't think so.  I can't stand to go through this again.  I can't stand to completely obliterate someone and have no respect for the feelings they have for me.  I can't be in a commitment, a promise, and break that.  I...cannot...do this to myself or others again.  It's awful.

And here I am, tears streaming down my face, and I keep telling myself that I have to stay strong and move on.  If you know me well enough, you know that one of my main goals in life is to help people - to make the world a better place.  The fact that I have completely destroyed someone's life and possibly all trust that he had for me and other people hurts deep in my soul.  I've also destroyed the trust that other people have for me.  If you know me and trust me, I'm scared that if you read this post, your view about me will be completely different.  I'm scared about that, but I have to remember that I can't worry too much about what others think about me.  I must love myself and do what I want to do with my life.  I must work hard toward achieving my goals and learn from these mistakes I've made.  I can't beat around the bush anymore.  From here on out, if you want honest answers, I will give you honest answers.

I feel a little worried about posting this, because when I post this, perhaps it will seem like my privacy and my ex's privacy is completely thrown out the window.  But, I don't know... I feel like I need to follow my intuition and reveal to you all the mistakes I have made.  I'm ready for what is to come...

So, I suppose one thing I would like to say for anyone that this applies to is that I'm sorry.  I know this two word sentence really doesn't do too much, but I'm going to say it anyways.  I'm sorry.  Another thing that I would like to say is thank you for reading this.  Thank you for taking the time to get to know me.  Thank you for taking part in something that I absolutely love to do - to write.

I feel good now.  I feel much better.  I feel relieved.  There are so many people that I've become close to and have opened up to, but I really feel that this is the breaking point.  This is who I am.  I don't want to say that I'm a cheater because I have done it before.  I just want to say that the person that I am becoming is an honest person that has made mistakes and is learning to move on.  I am a woman that is no longer afraid to speak her mind.  I'm no longer afraid of what others think about me.  I'm a little afraid of commitment, partly because of this.  I realize that it will take a lot of time to completely heal.  I'm still me - I still love to play piano, write, play sports, hang out with my friends, draw, drive on Sunday mornings, tell corny jokes... This is me.  Please, accept me for who I am.