Ten Things I Have Learned About Marriage (So Far)

Although I am engaged and not married yet, I would like to share ten things that I have learned about myself and about marriage:

1.  My faith in God is extremely important to me.  I want this to be the foundation of not only my life, but my husband's life and my children's lives.  These values have been instilled in me from the day I was born.  I cannot imagine my life without prayer and a personal relationship with God.  I am also an advocate of the quote, "The couple that prays together, stays together." Amen.

2.  Everyone has their flaws.  When you decide to marry someone, you accept those flaws and recognize that you will have to deal with them on a day-to-day basis.  It's not fair to continue to nag someone about his/her flaws, especially when you agree to marry him/her and spend the rest of your life with him/her.  I mean, didn't you know what you were getting yourself into?  These flaws are a part of who he/she is and you cannot change that.

3.  Speaking of change, don't ever think that you can change someone.  You should accept your significant other for who he/she is.  If you aren't compatible with him/her and feel that you want to stay in the relationship to change him/her, you're in the relationship for the wrong reasons.  A healthy relationship should consist of two compatible people that mesh well when they are acting as themselves.

4.  Be 100% honest with yourself and your significant other.  If you're angry, say you're angry.  If you're sad, say you're sad.  If something bothers you, bring it up.  Don't ever say, "I'm fine," unless you are truly feeling good.  Honesty opens up a whole avenue of communication.  Communication is vital in any relationship.

5.  Look your best as often as you can!  Although looks should not be the main driving factor in a relationship, attraction to one another is important.  Without physical attraction, how can two people be together in the first place?  Get a haircut, put on your best clothes, don't be afraid to spend a little money to get your nails done, put some makeup on, go to the gym, and carry yourself with confidence.  Keep your significant other on his/her toes and remind them every day of why he/she pursued you or why you pursued him/her in the first place.

6.  Although marriage indicates being "together," don't ever forget that you are still your own person and you should have some time to yourself.  Whether you're in a separate room or in two different states while traveling, enjoy those moments that you have with yourself.  Don't ever discontinue the things you enjoy just because you are in a union.

7.  There should be a fair balance of give and get in the relationship.  Don't become lazy and fall below this line.  Once one straggles on either side, disappointment will brew.  Never use excuses for this aspect of the relationship and give 100% at all times, just as you would while playing a game like volleyball or baseball.

8.  Be open about your finances.  You should never be embarrassed about your bank account and you shouldn't have to hide the damage you have done in the past.  We all make mistakes and will learn from them.  If you continue to make the same mistakes, it is okay to ask for help.  However, just as in #7, you need to put 100% into fixing those mistakes so that you can get positive results.

9.  Be romantic.  Go on dates, cook a nice dinner, write a love note, light some candles, play slow music... These intimate moments will reinforce your relationship and help you stay strong for years to come.

10.  Marriage is a decision and not a feeling.  Although you have feelings for your significant other and that is part of what led you to marriage, you have to remember that marriage is more like a full-time job than a lovey-dovey, let's-ride-unicorns-over-rainbows affair.  Marriage is a roller coaster and marriage is forever.  Yes, you can get a divorce, but that should never be an option when you are deciding to get married.  Meaning, you should never go into a marriage thinking, "If it doesn't work out, I can always get a divorce."  That is simply not the right mentality to have, especially if you are claiming to love this person with all your heart.

For the Love of Hate

Acceptance is a notion that rules our childhood, teenage years, and young adulthood.  However, each day that we grow older in the never-ending journey of defining our selves, we learn that acceptance is insignificant.  Although many of us struggle daily with ridding the need for approval from our minds, we grow to love hate and thrive on the naysayers that appear in our lives.

I am a victim of acceptance.  This concept has abused my mind for most of my life and is responsible for many of my thoughts and actions.  For as long as I can remember, if I ever discovered that someone didn't like what I did or just simply did not care for me as a person, I would slip into a dwelling coma and beat myself up with whys and hows.  The fault automatically lied on my shoulders and its weight would crush me for days.  "What can I do to make myself a 'better' person and have this person like me?"  "How can I connect with this person so that he/she will not hate me?"

I would throw myself into a whirlwind of untruthfulness and drained energy.  I would not stay true to myself and would mold my personality, my behavior, and what I said to fit who I was interacting with.  I never had a true "self" and would get frustrated because living my life based on acceptance just turned me into a "well-rounded" person.  I had no definition.  I was not comfortable in my own skin and constantly searched for what was missing deep in my soul.  No matter how deep in the ocean I swam, I could not find my anchor.

The more I thrived on acceptance from others, the more tired I became.  I was exhausted from living multiple lives just to please everyone around me.  On the outside, I seemed happy.  I seemed like a popular girl that just got along with everyone because I was a nice girl.  The truth was, however, I was scared that someone would dislike me.  That is why I was friends with everyone.  If you just weren't sure if you believed in God, I would be your friend.  If you did drugs in the bathroom because you felt lost and confused, I would be your friend.  If you were a bully and skipped class, I would be your friend.  If you were "normal" and were accepted to go to college, I would be your friend.  I could not be disliked by anyone.  If I was disliked, I would get that feeling in the pit of my stomach and would feel that my life was ruined.

The first falling out that you have with a friend teaches you a lot about this issue.  The day that you decide to break it off with someone that used to be your absolute best friend is heartbreaking.  You may cry.  You may feel sick to your stomach and lose your appetite.  You may feel that a part of your heart has been ripped out and thrown in the dumpster.  However, the further you progress without that person in your life, the wider you open your eyes and realize that the decision you made was most beneficial for you.  Realizing that it is okay to do something that is good for you and for no one else is magical.  At this point, you take one step in distancing yourself from this criminal named Acceptance.

Through your college years and into your young adult years, you begin cutting off more people from your life.  You've done it once and you can do it again.  You still get that feeling in the pit of your stomach, but it becomes easier.  There are still a few people that you keep around, probably just because you "feel bad" and feel obligated to have them in your life, but for the most part, you are getting the idea that this world is all about you and no one else.  You begin to learn that YOU are the only one that can control your happiness.

When you begin a career, you will deal with your first client that hates your guts.  They are anal retentive and are disgusted that you forgot a comma in your email.  Their reply will be pretentious, degrading, and OH, they'll blind copy your boss.  You get that feeling in the pit of your stomach again.  "Why does this person hate me?"  "What can I do to make him/her happy?"  After dealing with many of these clients, you learn that their problems are their problems, not yours.  You learn to laugh at them.  You learn that your life and experiences have nothing to do with theirs.  You love their hate and escalate your kindness to them.  After all, there is nothing quite like being nice to a mean person.  How you deal with their hate makes you feel like the bigger person, which gives you the self-confidence boost you have been searching for.

You begin to bring your work experiences into your every day life.  You cut unnecessary strings and feel the weight of acceptance lifted off of your shoulders.  You surround yourself with people that you want to emulate.  You encircle yourself with nothing but positivity, love, and celebration.  You no longer accept mere tolerance and learn what truly makes you happy.  You no longer feel the need to lie to yourself or others to gain acceptance.  More importantly, you learn that the only acceptance you need is from yourself.

When you surround yourself with people and things that fit what you want in your life, it is inevitable that rocks of hate and negativity will be thrown at your bubble.  Although I will admit that I have not yet reached a point in my life where hate and negativity does not bother me at all, I am learning every day that how I deal with these two issues will define my self-confidence and future life.  I have learned to steer clear from the haters and love them from a distance.  If I keep these people far from my life, they will have no affect on my happiness.  I use their hate and negativity as fuel for determination and success.

A very wise person once told me, "If someone 'hates' on you, you must be doing something right."  In consideration of where I am at in my life right now, I am not afraid to look at you in the eyes and say that I really, REALLY love hate.

Fear and Self-Love

I am not ashamed.  I am not ashamed of the person I am and of the meandering paths I wandered through to get here.  I am not ashamed to tell you that I have made mistakes.  I am not ashamed to tell you that through all the different types of love I have experienced, my love for God is the only one that has remained consistent and strong.  I am simply not ashamed of who I am, and I certainly don't care what you think about me.

Our world has developed into a place of fear and tip-toeing around others' feelings.  We never want to hurt anyone.  We never want anyone to think negatively of us.  We avoid conflict and debate at all costs and mold our personalities to fit those around us.  Our chameleon lives have proven to be mentally diminishing, and although we have an understanding of this very fact, we do little to stand up for ourselves.

Our love for our internal being is rapidly deteriorating while our love for our outward image, molded in order to make others happy, has grown exponentially.  What happened to us?  Why do we long acceptance of others, but can't accept ourselves?

Fear.

Our human nature longs the company of others and despises being alone.  Although we are surrounded by billions of human beings and will essentially never be alone, we have created a fear in our minds that no one will ever mentally relate to us.  We drag ourselves into our solo graves.

However, if we have developed such an incredible fear of being alone, why don't we face our fear boldly and work on loving and accepting ourselves?  Why don't we disregard our thoughts and use motivation and positivity to construct a more confident self?

Fear.

Our biggest fears are not heights, snakes, or even death.  Our biggest fear is ourselves.  We fear failure.  We fear unfulfillment of life.  We fear our pasts, presents, and futures.  We fear that we will never live up to our potential.  We fear that we will never find true happiness and the answer to the meaning of life.

One of the biggest issues with fear is that we let it sink into every aspect of our lives.  We develop negativity and depression.  We then thrive on sympathy and pity to make ourselves feel better.  Once someone shows the smallest amount of accord, we automatically believe that they are mentally connected to us.  We truly adore tragedy and don't embrace cheer and jubliation enough.

Fear throws us into a tornado of timidness and negativity.  I cannot advise you on how to gain more self-confidence.  I cannot tell you exactly how to break through the tornado of demure and gloom.  However, I can offer my opinions and how I feel I am overcoming this daily struggle.

I have always been a woman that believes in God.  I have a strong connection with my spirituality and feel that focusing on this aspect of life helps me abandon any feeling that I have to be accepted by others around me.  If I keep my focus on my relationship with God, I will not have to worry about making others happy with my actions and outward image.

I make an effort to surround myself with people that are like-minded.  Show me your friends and I will show you your future.  Also, show me your friends and I will show you the type of person you presently are.  Encircling yourself with people that have the same beliefs as you will empower you to have more confidence in yourself.  These friends will embrace you for who you are and will encourage you in everything you do.  Their encouragement will remind you that you do not have to change yourself to be happy.  Their support will also remind you that you should not be ashamed of the person that you are.

Be grateful.  Although it is difficult to ignore the fact that we always want more or something different, it is important to understand that we are alive and well.  It is important to understand that life is a gift and that our days are numbered.  Expressing your gratefulness is a constant reminder that although we do not necessarily know what true happiness is, we should be happy about where we presently are.

I am not ashamed of who I am and do not care about what others think because I have jumped out of my fearful mentality.  I have jumped head-on into my religion and spirituality.  I have clasped onto my close friendships.  I have made lists of what I am grateful for.  I have done all of these things and refuse to look back.

It is time for you to surrender your fears.  What will you do?

Forever I Love Atlanta

As I overlooked a sea of green and the falling sun showering the Atlanta skyline, I realized that I had fallen in love.  In fact, I have fallen in love multiple times.  I have fallen in love with Peachtree Road.  I have fallen in love with Buckhead and its aura.  I have fallen in love with the plethora of Atlanta fine dining.  I have fallen in love with the Hollywood of the South.  I am madly in love with Atlanta, this city I call home.

I've lived my life moving to a different place every six years.  I was born in California, moved to Louisiana, then Tennessee, and now Georgia.  Although I lived with my family in California, Louisiana, and Tennessee, nothing feels more like home than Atlanta, Georgia.  Perhaps I feel more connected with these skyscraper-filled forests because this is where I began to truly develop a sense of who I was.  Maybe I look around, see the successes that live here and feel a drive that I've never felt before.  Perhaps the serenity of Piedmont Park and Chastain Park remind me that even though work keeps me busy, I can still escape and find a calm inner peace.  There are many reasons that Atlanta feels like home for me, and I wouldn't trade it for anything else.

I love that I can drive an hour or two away from the city and experience some of nature's finest beauty.  I can be on a boat on Lake Lanier, bike through the hills near Stone Mountain, or go hiking in Helen.  Although I live a city life, I'm surrounded by nature everywhere I go.

I love exploring the districts of Atlanta.  Whether I eat in the Virginia-Highlands, take a stroll in Midtown, or indulge in what surrounds me in Buckhead, I'm never disappointed.  There is always an adventure around every corner, and I still have so much to learn!

I love that Hollywood is moving to Atlanta.  Did you know that they do zombie/vampire segway tours Downtown?  When I used to work Downtown, I would see group tours on segways visiting the different places where they filmed T.V. shows like The Walking Dead and Vampire Diaries.  Everyone on those tours always looked so excited...and goofy.  Anchorman 2 is currently filming here.  Maybe I'll run into Will Ferrell one of these days.  Owen Wilson was spotted having lunch at Holeman & Finch (which I still have to try).  The reason that Hollywood is moving to Atlanta is tax incentives.  Also, now that I think about it, celebrities must feel pretty safe here since there is almost a nonexistence of paparazzi.

I love the overall atmosphere of this city.  The nightlife is always fun.  Everyone is very friendly.  I have honestly never heard one person tell me that they do not like Atlanta.  It seems that everyone falls in love with it, just like I have.

I love that I have easy access to the world's busiest airport.  I can go anywhere I want after a 20 or 30 minute drive to Hartsfield-Jackson.  I almost feel proud every time I show my Georgia driver's license to the Homeland Security workers.  Yes, I am from here.

I can picture myself staying here and raising a family here.  It's hard to imagine leaving what I love.  Even when I travel somewhere for vacation or to see family, there is a point in time where I think about how excited I am to go home.

Forever I Love Atlanta!

 

The Dangerous Comfort Zone

This blog is written by request for my good friend.

Our souls are no strangers to throwing on pajamas, staying inside, and taking naps on rainy days.  Our consciousnesses shut down and the clatter of T.V. shows murder our thoughts, leaving us brain dead with acceptance and nothing else to do.  Unfortunately, for some individuals, their relationships have them living in day-to-day rainshowers.  They accept their relationships "as is," and have no desire to change or develop any aspect of their committments.  They have become too comfortable and their significant others have become mere pieces of furniture in a room.

Some stay in flatline relationships because they legitimately fear being alone.  Some force themselves to continue with rocky relationships because they feel that there is no one else in the world that would want them.  Some couples have made a lifelong committment through marriage and wish they vowed "until boredom do us part."  No matter the reason for being involved in a stagnant and poisonous relationship, the issue of self seems to be involved.

The key to avoid reaching the edge of the relationship cliff is simple.  Find your love for yourself and never let it go.  It is fine to share common interests and do fun activities with your significant other, but don't forget about the things that you love to do most.  For example, my boyfriend loves college football.  I love playing piano.  When college football is on T.V., that is my boyfriend's time.  I try not to bother him and let him enjoy what he loves.  If I feel like trying my luck at composing a song, I will shut the bedroom door and bang away on my keyboard unbothered.  Although we both love each other and share common interests in things such as working out, taking small trips, and being sociable, we haven't forgotten about those things that we hold close to our hearts.

In a previous relationship that I was in, my life became my boyfriend's life.  I had not played piano in years.  I didn't go to church as regularly.  I rarely hung out with those that I cared about the most.  My entire focus shifted from what I loved to do to what he loved to do.  Oddly enough, he seemed to do the same thing.  Our lives were fused into a dangerous black hole and the outside world couldn't see us as we seemed to be light years away.

If you continue to pursue what you love, I truly believe that you will love yourself more.  If you do what you love and succeed at it, you will gain more self-confidence and eventually realize what is most important in your life.  You will be more aware of the world surrounding you and take care not to let yourself go in a relationship.  Also, a relationship that involves two individuals who bring different items to the table makes a committment more exciting!  One can teach the other what he or she knows best.  The adventures would be never-ending and your every day lives would be enriched with the unknown.

If you feel that you each know everything about each other and there is nothing more to learn, think again.  Share your deepest, darkest secrets.  Reveal your most scandalous fantasies.  Put yourself in uncomfortable situations and learn how the other handles it.  Push the other's buttons for the hell of it and see how you can both come together and handle the situation.  Travel to a different country, meet new friends, and have no fear when it comes to trying new things.  Divorce rates have skyrocketed because boredom has crowned itself king.  Don't subject yourselves to the impervious ruler and crown yourself the king (or queen) of your own relationship.  Your life is too short to give up on love because you fell victim to your mild form of ADD.

If you think that no one else in the world wants you besides your lowly, no-good boyfriend or girlfriend, you are wrong.  I know of one person that wants you.  YOU.  You want to be a better person.  You no longer want to be sad.  You want to love yourself and find a person that truly cares about you for the person you are.  You want to focus on your career.  You want to improve your lifestyle and be successful.  In addition to you, there are plenty of friends and family that care about you.  Through these connections, you are sure to meet someone that you can happily share your life with.

Get OUT of your rainy-day lifestyle and jump into the sunshine that awaits you above the clouds.  We are never guaranteed another day to live.  Think of it this way: if you change your life and leap above the clouds into your utmost happiness and bliss, and if your life were to end tomorrow, you wouldn't have to travel far to get to Heaven. :)