Last Day of Class

This blog, "Learning Love - The Most Difficult Class of Life," has brought me through a whirlwind of emotions and a plethora of highs and lows.  I started this blog in 2010 because I had just gotten out of an almost three-year relationship and was seeking an outlet for my sadness, my stress, and my curiosity about the one thing we all long for.

Looking back and reading all of these posts, I'm proud of the person that I've become and I'm more than ecstatic about the husband that I married.  I'm also very excited about the child that we are expecting in February 2016 (SURPRISE!).  My journey through this class of love has not ended as I will continue to practice and perfect love as much as I can through my every day life.  However, in regards to this blog that I've held near and dear to my heart for about 5 years, today is the last day of class.

Thank you for reading!  Thank you for all of your comments, likes, and shares.  I will continue to keep this blog open for all to enjoy, but my posts have ended here.  Writing is my number one passion and has been ever since I was a little girl.  I am looking to create a new blog and/or begin writing an actual book.  Writing a book has been a long time dream of mine, and I think it is time to pursue that goal.  It's either now or never.

I love you all!  I cannot thank you enough.

Newlywed Thoughts

I get asked a lot if being married is different.  Personally, I don't feel much different than when I began dating my now husband.  Perhaps the fact that we have lived together for a little over two years has something to do with it.  There was no real transition; we didn't buy a house, we didn't have a child, and we didn't move to a new city.  The only "transition" that occurred was that we held a wedding to celebrate our passing over the dating/engaged line to being married.  No more boyfriend, girlfriend.  No more fiancé(e).  Just husband and wife.  Although there was only a simple stirring of words, I would not have it any other way.

Even if our marriage doesn't feel any different than dating, my heart feels the forever that I've committed to.  I look at my husband and feel so at peace knowing that I can count on him, not for just today or for a week from now, but for forever.  He has verbalized to me several times that he will always be there for me and will always protect me.  That puts me at such peace and harmony.

It's a fantastic feeling to have your heart at peace.  I feel most at peace when I'm around my husband, when I go to church and worship God, and when I have moments of silence when I reflect on where I've come from and where I am now.  These moments where my heart and my mind sing in accord are the best moments of my life.  These moments allow me to exude my utmost confidence, and this is how I believe every woman should feel.  To me, marriage is a confidence booster, and I am loving every second of it.

Although marriage makes me feel good, I don't plan to get comfortable with that.  Too often, marriages fail due to lack of excitement and lack of change.  I may have found my soulmate, but I can't live life laid back in a recliner and just watching it all pass by.  A good friend of mine from college and I always had this running joke that we would be "hot" wives.  We would never "let ourselves go."  Laziness is not allowed.  We have to go go go and just...don't...stop.  I have my lazy days, but I often think of this promise I've made and I just can't allow myself to sit still.  Constantly moving and having something to do is way more exciting than sitting still anyways.

I have never been happier or more confident in my life.  Being married may not be so different than dating or being engaged, but the fact that I get to spend every waking moment with my soulmate is more than what I need for a happy and blessed life.

Quality Time

I love the friends and family that surround me in life, but something has weighed heavily on my heart and has left me empty these past few days.  I keep telling myself in my head that I'm thinking too much and that I am just beating myself up when I don't have to (which is normal for me), but this is something that has intrigued me to write.

Mother's Day was yesterday.  My annual tradition on Mother's Day is to think about all the women in my family that have affected me and have molded me into the woman that I am.  I think about my mother, my grandmothers, my great-grandmothers, aunts, cousins, and so forth.  While some of these women in my family may not be mothers to biological children, they have all been mother figures for me.

My mind then wanders and thinks about how I wish I lived closer to family so that these wonderful mothers in my life could circle me and continue to positively affect me every day.  Yes, I am able to communicate by text, phone, email, and Facebook, but that doesn't fulfill me the way a one-on-one conversation does.  After reading "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman, I've learned that I'm a quality time type woman.  There is nothing more satisfying and rewarding than spending quality time with someone.  To me, one-on-one conversations open hearts' portals and allow the souls to spill out, little by little, creating meaningful and productive conversations, which lead to more developed relationships.

Connecting the dots, my mind wanders again and evaluates the current quality time relationships I have in my life.  My stomach immediately sinks after I realize...not as many as I would like.  I suddenly feel empty and start evaluating myself and my actions.  Should I make more of an effort?  Do I come off as closed off and maybe a little shy?  Am I not a desirable person to spend quality time with?  After repeating these questions in my head over and over again, I have to snap myself out of it and tell myself, "You are blessed.  Relationships like this take time."

And it's true.  My closest friends in life are the ones I have been friends with for eight or more years.  Our close relationships didn't happen overnight.  Our friendships are products of years and years of quality time with each other.

Perhaps instant gratification rules over my thoughts when it comes to this topic.  Perhaps I've grown impatient over the years and want close friendships around every corner I turn.  But surely, that's asking for too much.  There are a lot of statistics that show that in the U.S., the average person (whatever that means) has only one to two close friends that they wouldn't hesitate telling everything.  One to two people in their lives that they can call at any second of any day and he/she would answer with no hesitation, ready to take on whatever.  I long for a lot of people like that in my life.

Why?  I like to know the whys, hows, and whats of each person I meet.  I don't see people as what they are on the outside, but rather as the stories they tell, and how they came to this point in their lives.  I truly do care about people and want to develop meaningful relationships.  I want to have those people I can count on at any time of any day.  Who doesn't?

Although my mom and I communicate through using American Sign Language, I have always found it difficult to discuss things with her, especially in depth.  We communicated through my childhood, teenage years, and today, but the conversations were difficult to maintain.  For that reason alone, I feel that I've always had a longing for more female friendships in my life.  I have always been able to communicate with the other female members in my family, but there is something about having a female friend that is just...different.

I'm SURROUNDED by females that I love and would do anything for!  I am honestly truly blessed to be encircled by these lovely ladies.  However, although I am swimming in friendships, I still have an emptiness and long for more deep, meaningful, quality time relationships.  I have to remind myself daily that, just like love, it takes time.

I also have to remind myself that it is not easy for us ladies to pour our hearts out all in one sitting.  We go through a process.  We take baby steps to reveal our true, inner selves.  We've been hurt, stomped on, deceived, and promised the world with no fulfillment.  We've experienced our share of disappointments and always listen to our intuition, which is almost always right.  We're delicate, careful creatures.  It's no wonder we tip-toe into friendships and relationships.

I always envision the end result, which is probably why I'm so anxious to develop these tight relationships right now.  I've always known that having a very close group of girlfriends will help me love myself even more.  When you have a steel strong support system around you, you simply do not worry too much about what could happen.  You know that you'll have people by your side no matter what.

Although I am generally shy, I've promised myself to make more of an effort to spend more quality time with those that I care for and love.  I've promised myself to continue developing the close relationships I already have and to dig deeper into the friendships that I want to flourish.  I've promised myself to ask more questions to produce more conversation.  I've promised myself to be 100% honest in everything I say and do.  I will continue to live with integrity and show my reliability.  I have promised myself that I will be the friend that I've always longed for in my life.  I will be the one to change the dynamic of a relationship from a "Hey, how are you?" relationship to a "What, why, how?" relationship.

Let Your Guard Down

I've lost myself.  I've lost myself in love.  I've sailed past uneasiness in my stomach, past my pounding head of racing thoughts, and past knotted nerves.  I've fallen into a whirlpool of amour and am letting myself go.  My hair is blowing in the wind, my shoulders have fallen back, and words don't need to escape my mouth to explain what I'm feeling.  My eyes have been glowing fire for almost two years, and my brain has finally received the message from my happiness that this is what people long for their entire lives.  This is good.

I look at the man napping on the couch and all I can think is, "Wow."  This is someone I was apprehensive about when we first met.  I let my assumptions fool me and I kept my distance.  My guard was up, but fortunately, my mind was open.  I gave it a chance.  I opened the gates to my heart and my judgment followed behind.  And now I look down at the ring on my finger and punch my false presumptions repeatedly, because quite frankly, they deserve it.

A lot of people (I'm not insinuating all) that long for love have been in bad relationships.  They've been stabbed in the heart and they don't want to experience that repeated pain.  They don't want to go through the cycle of a relationship over and over again, knowing that there is a chance that it won't work out and that they would have to start back at square one.  Sometimes, the effort alone is just too much.  Although they want to find love again and want to pursue a relationship, the fact that they would have to continue the search and pour out their hearts over and over again is simply unattractive.  It can also be exhausting.  As a result, these people hurl themselves into the dark.  Their assumptions become their instincts and their guards are held so high that not even an airplane could break them down.

I understand the reasoning for being closed off and cautious when looking for love or when being presented with an opportunity for love.  I have been at that stage before.  However, how much more do you think we could learn if we let our guards down even just a little?  What if we kept one valve of our hearts open, knowing that we would have to contain the strength to gain our selves back if a relationship didn't work out?  I let my guards down a little with my fiance and here we are, about to get married.  I was so apprehensive about him and so hesitant to see what he was all about.  However, something happened when I gave myself a chance to better know him.  My walls came down and the love flooded in.

I'm not saying that you should freely let yourself go.  I'm not saying that you shouldn't be cautious.  You should be.  However, there is a way to be strong and confident in yourself and a free and open book at the same time.  I don't know how many times I have reiterated this, but you need to fully understand and love yourself in order to do this.  If a relationship does not work out with someone, how are you going to bounce back and move forward?  Sure, you'll have friends and family to support you, but ultimately, if you don't have the strength to learn from relationships that didn't work out and advance to the next step, the support that your friends and family give you will do hardly anything.

It's scary to gear down and let your heart roam free, but isn't life the same way?  Shouldn't we be accustomed to facing our fears head on?  We're not opening our hearts to heights or cockroaches, but rather to the possibility of love, which is what every human being on this planet longs for.  If our reward for opening our hearts and letting our guards down is endless care and pure devotion to one another, then what fear should we have?  Love is exceptional and gratifying.  Everyone deserves that.

Ten Things I Have Learned About Marriage (So Far)

Although I am engaged and not married yet, I would like to share ten things that I have learned about myself and about marriage:

1.  My faith in God is extremely important to me.  I want this to be the foundation of not only my life, but my husband's life and my children's lives.  These values have been instilled in me from the day I was born.  I cannot imagine my life without prayer and a personal relationship with God.  I am also an advocate of the quote, "The couple that prays together, stays together." Amen.

2.  Everyone has their flaws.  When you decide to marry someone, you accept those flaws and recognize that you will have to deal with them on a day-to-day basis.  It's not fair to continue to nag someone about his/her flaws, especially when you agree to marry him/her and spend the rest of your life with him/her.  I mean, didn't you know what you were getting yourself into?  These flaws are a part of who he/she is and you cannot change that.

3.  Speaking of change, don't ever think that you can change someone.  You should accept your significant other for who he/she is.  If you aren't compatible with him/her and feel that you want to stay in the relationship to change him/her, you're in the relationship for the wrong reasons.  A healthy relationship should consist of two compatible people that mesh well when they are acting as themselves.

4.  Be 100% honest with yourself and your significant other.  If you're angry, say you're angry.  If you're sad, say you're sad.  If something bothers you, bring it up.  Don't ever say, "I'm fine," unless you are truly feeling good.  Honesty opens up a whole avenue of communication.  Communication is vital in any relationship.

5.  Look your best as often as you can!  Although looks should not be the main driving factor in a relationship, attraction to one another is important.  Without physical attraction, how can two people be together in the first place?  Get a haircut, put on your best clothes, don't be afraid to spend a little money to get your nails done, put some makeup on, go to the gym, and carry yourself with confidence.  Keep your significant other on his/her toes and remind them every day of why he/she pursued you or why you pursued him/her in the first place.

6.  Although marriage indicates being "together," don't ever forget that you are still your own person and you should have some time to yourself.  Whether you're in a separate room or in two different states while traveling, enjoy those moments that you have with yourself.  Don't ever discontinue the things you enjoy just because you are in a union.

7.  There should be a fair balance of give and get in the relationship.  Don't become lazy and fall below this line.  Once one straggles on either side, disappointment will brew.  Never use excuses for this aspect of the relationship and give 100% at all times, just as you would while playing a game like volleyball or baseball.

8.  Be open about your finances.  You should never be embarrassed about your bank account and you shouldn't have to hide the damage you have done in the past.  We all make mistakes and will learn from them.  If you continue to make the same mistakes, it is okay to ask for help.  However, just as in #7, you need to put 100% into fixing those mistakes so that you can get positive results.

9.  Be romantic.  Go on dates, cook a nice dinner, write a love note, light some candles, play slow music... These intimate moments will reinforce your relationship and help you stay strong for years to come.

10.  Marriage is a decision and not a feeling.  Although you have feelings for your significant other and that is part of what led you to marriage, you have to remember that marriage is more like a full-time job than a lovey-dovey, let's-ride-unicorns-over-rainbows affair.  Marriage is a roller coaster and marriage is forever.  Yes, you can get a divorce, but that should never be an option when you are deciding to get married.  Meaning, you should never go into a marriage thinking, "If it doesn't work out, I can always get a divorce."  That is simply not the right mentality to have, especially if you are claiming to love this person with all your heart.

For the Love of Hate

Acceptance is a notion that rules our childhood, teenage years, and young adulthood.  However, each day that we grow older in the never-ending journey of defining our selves, we learn that acceptance is insignificant.  Although many of us struggle daily with ridding the need for approval from our minds, we grow to love hate and thrive on the naysayers that appear in our lives.

I am a victim of acceptance.  This concept has abused my mind for most of my life and is responsible for many of my thoughts and actions.  For as long as I can remember, if I ever discovered that someone didn't like what I did or just simply did not care for me as a person, I would slip into a dwelling coma and beat myself up with whys and hows.  The fault automatically lied on my shoulders and its weight would crush me for days.  "What can I do to make myself a 'better' person and have this person like me?"  "How can I connect with this person so that he/she will not hate me?"

I would throw myself into a whirlwind of untruthfulness and drained energy.  I would not stay true to myself and would mold my personality, my behavior, and what I said to fit who I was interacting with.  I never had a true "self" and would get frustrated because living my life based on acceptance just turned me into a "well-rounded" person.  I had no definition.  I was not comfortable in my own skin and constantly searched for what was missing deep in my soul.  No matter how deep in the ocean I swam, I could not find my anchor.

The more I thrived on acceptance from others, the more tired I became.  I was exhausted from living multiple lives just to please everyone around me.  On the outside, I seemed happy.  I seemed like a popular girl that just got along with everyone because I was a nice girl.  The truth was, however, I was scared that someone would dislike me.  That is why I was friends with everyone.  If you just weren't sure if you believed in God, I would be your friend.  If you did drugs in the bathroom because you felt lost and confused, I would be your friend.  If you were a bully and skipped class, I would be your friend.  If you were "normal" and were accepted to go to college, I would be your friend.  I could not be disliked by anyone.  If I was disliked, I would get that feeling in the pit of my stomach and would feel that my life was ruined.

The first falling out that you have with a friend teaches you a lot about this issue.  The day that you decide to break it off with someone that used to be your absolute best friend is heartbreaking.  You may cry.  You may feel sick to your stomach and lose your appetite.  You may feel that a part of your heart has been ripped out and thrown in the dumpster.  However, the further you progress without that person in your life, the wider you open your eyes and realize that the decision you made was most beneficial for you.  Realizing that it is okay to do something that is good for you and for no one else is magical.  At this point, you take one step in distancing yourself from this criminal named Acceptance.

Through your college years and into your young adult years, you begin cutting off more people from your life.  You've done it once and you can do it again.  You still get that feeling in the pit of your stomach, but it becomes easier.  There are still a few people that you keep around, probably just because you "feel bad" and feel obligated to have them in your life, but for the most part, you are getting the idea that this world is all about you and no one else.  You begin to learn that YOU are the only one that can control your happiness.

When you begin a career, you will deal with your first client that hates your guts.  They are anal retentive and are disgusted that you forgot a comma in your email.  Their reply will be pretentious, degrading, and OH, they'll blind copy your boss.  You get that feeling in the pit of your stomach again.  "Why does this person hate me?"  "What can I do to make him/her happy?"  After dealing with many of these clients, you learn that their problems are their problems, not yours.  You learn to laugh at them.  You learn that your life and experiences have nothing to do with theirs.  You love their hate and escalate your kindness to them.  After all, there is nothing quite like being nice to a mean person.  How you deal with their hate makes you feel like the bigger person, which gives you the self-confidence boost you have been searching for.

You begin to bring your work experiences into your every day life.  You cut unnecessary strings and feel the weight of acceptance lifted off of your shoulders.  You surround yourself with people that you want to emulate.  You encircle yourself with nothing but positivity, love, and celebration.  You no longer accept mere tolerance and learn what truly makes you happy.  You no longer feel the need to lie to yourself or others to gain acceptance.  More importantly, you learn that the only acceptance you need is from yourself.

When you surround yourself with people and things that fit what you want in your life, it is inevitable that rocks of hate and negativity will be thrown at your bubble.  Although I will admit that I have not yet reached a point in my life where hate and negativity does not bother me at all, I am learning every day that how I deal with these two issues will define my self-confidence and future life.  I have learned to steer clear from the haters and love them from a distance.  If I keep these people far from my life, they will have no affect on my happiness.  I use their hate and negativity as fuel for determination and success.

A very wise person once told me, "If someone 'hates' on you, you must be doing something right."  In consideration of where I am at in my life right now, I am not afraid to look at you in the eyes and say that I really, REALLY love hate.

Fear and Self-Love

I am not ashamed.  I am not ashamed of the person I am and of the meandering paths I wandered through to get here.  I am not ashamed to tell you that I have made mistakes.  I am not ashamed to tell you that through all the different types of love I have experienced, my love for God is the only one that has remained consistent and strong.  I am simply not ashamed of who I am, and I certainly don't care what you think about me.

Our world has developed into a place of fear and tip-toeing around others' feelings.  We never want to hurt anyone.  We never want anyone to think negatively of us.  We avoid conflict and debate at all costs and mold our personalities to fit those around us.  Our chameleon lives have proven to be mentally diminishing, and although we have an understanding of this very fact, we do little to stand up for ourselves.

Our love for our internal being is rapidly deteriorating while our love for our outward image, molded in order to make others happy, has grown exponentially.  What happened to us?  Why do we long acceptance of others, but can't accept ourselves?

Fear.

Our human nature longs the company of others and despises being alone.  Although we are surrounded by billions of human beings and will essentially never be alone, we have created a fear in our minds that no one will ever mentally relate to us.  We drag ourselves into our solo graves.

However, if we have developed such an incredible fear of being alone, why don't we face our fear boldly and work on loving and accepting ourselves?  Why don't we disregard our thoughts and use motivation and positivity to construct a more confident self?

Fear.

Our biggest fears are not heights, snakes, or even death.  Our biggest fear is ourselves.  We fear failure.  We fear unfulfillment of life.  We fear our pasts, presents, and futures.  We fear that we will never live up to our potential.  We fear that we will never find true happiness and the answer to the meaning of life.

One of the biggest issues with fear is that we let it sink into every aspect of our lives.  We develop negativity and depression.  We then thrive on sympathy and pity to make ourselves feel better.  Once someone shows the smallest amount of accord, we automatically believe that they are mentally connected to us.  We truly adore tragedy and don't embrace cheer and jubliation enough.

Fear throws us into a tornado of timidness and negativity.  I cannot advise you on how to gain more self-confidence.  I cannot tell you exactly how to break through the tornado of demure and gloom.  However, I can offer my opinions and how I feel I am overcoming this daily struggle.

I have always been a woman that believes in God.  I have a strong connection with my spirituality and feel that focusing on this aspect of life helps me abandon any feeling that I have to be accepted by others around me.  If I keep my focus on my relationship with God, I will not have to worry about making others happy with my actions and outward image.

I make an effort to surround myself with people that are like-minded.  Show me your friends and I will show you your future.  Also, show me your friends and I will show you the type of person you presently are.  Encircling yourself with people that have the same beliefs as you will empower you to have more confidence in yourself.  These friends will embrace you for who you are and will encourage you in everything you do.  Their encouragement will remind you that you do not have to change yourself to be happy.  Their support will also remind you that you should not be ashamed of the person that you are.

Be grateful.  Although it is difficult to ignore the fact that we always want more or something different, it is important to understand that we are alive and well.  It is important to understand that life is a gift and that our days are numbered.  Expressing your gratefulness is a constant reminder that although we do not necessarily know what true happiness is, we should be happy about where we presently are.

I am not ashamed of who I am and do not care about what others think because I have jumped out of my fearful mentality.  I have jumped head-on into my religion and spirituality.  I have clasped onto my close friendships.  I have made lists of what I am grateful for.  I have done all of these things and refuse to look back.

It is time for you to surrender your fears.  What will you do?